How to Face Your Fears and Conquer Your Anxiety Forever

As a psychotherapist, anxiety disorders -- especially phobias -- are my favorite problem to treat. When people step into my office with a debilitating fear, I know a little hard work and a willingness to step outside their comfort zone can help them conquer their anxiety.

Anxiety disorders are very common. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates 18 percent of the adult population experiences an anxiety disorder every year. Approximately 9 percent of adults experience a phobia of some kind.

Whether you're terrified of shaking hands because you're afraid of germs, or the thought of public speaking makes you weak in the knees, it's possible to overcome your fear once and for all. If your anxiety is on the mild end of the spectrum -- perhaps you take the stairs because you're terrified of elevators -- you may be able to conquer your fear without the help of a professional.

Face Your Fear Systematically

Countless research studies have shown exposure therapy is an effective way to treat anxiety disorders ranging from post-traumatic stress disorder to obsessive compulsive disorder. In order for it to be effective however, the exposure should be applied in an incremental manner.

The key to overcoming a debilitating fear is to start by doing something that is only slightly anxiety-provoking. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 meaning no anxiety and 10 being equal to sheer terror, look for something that would raise your anxiety to level 4. Then, keep doing that activity until your anxiety decreases.

If you suffered from arachnophobia -- the fear of spiders -- you might start by looking at pictures of spiders. Eventually, your anxiety would dissipate and you could move onto the next step--perhaps watching a video of a spider. Eventually, you could sit in the same room with a spider who is safely placed in jar with a secure lid.

The intention of exposure therapy is to keep working slowly and steadily until you reach your ultimate goal. For someone with a fear of public speaking, the ultimate goal might be to offer one comment each week during a meeting. For someone else, the ultimate goal might be to give a presentation in front of an audience of thousands. But either way, it's important to define what success looks like to you.

Practice Imaginal Exposure When Necessary

Sometimes it's impossible -- or at least a lot more complicated -- to use in vivo therapy. If you're afraid of flying in an airplane for example, it's unlikely that a commercial airline is going to let you practice sitting on a plane for hours as you try to desensitize yourself to your fears.

In cases where real-life desensitization isn't practical, imaginal exposure can be used. Visualizing yourself being exposed to whatever it is that terrifies you can produce a spike in your anxiety. With consistent practice, visualization can desensitize you and make it easier to face your fear in real-life.

Seek Professional Help

Unfortunately, many people suffering from serious anxiety disorders don't seek treatment. As a result, they miss opportunities to advance their careers, or their social lives suffer. If your anxiety interferes with your daily life, don't hesitate to seek professional help.

Anxiety is usually very treatable. Therapists who specialize in treating anxiety disorders often have access to a variety of specialized techniques, ranging from biofeedback to virtual reality exposure therapy. In some cases, medication can also be used to help alleviate symptoms.

Imagine how productive could you be if you conquered your fears. When you're no longer plagued by worrisome thoughts, and you don't need to waste time and energy trying to avoid the things that make you anxious, you can invest your resources into reaching your greatest potential.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, keynote speaker, and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, a best-selling book that is being published in more than 20 languages.

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3-Year-Old Spoofs Shia LaBeouf's 'Just Do It' Speech And Motivates Everyone

When Shia LaBeouf delivered London art student Joshua Parker's "Just Do It" speech for the undergrad's final project, he opened the door for parody video gold.

This latest spoof of the intense motivational speech gives it a whole new element: sheer cuteness.

YouTube user Tingman's filmed his 3-year-old daughter Olor delivering "Just Do It," and it's possibly even more intense than the original. How can you not feel motivated by a girl who matches her headband and her pink heart shirt?

"Make youw dweams come twue!"



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Mindfulness in Your 20s: Learning to be Mindful Beyond Just Reading a Blog

A typical mindfulness-based stress reduction course takes eight weeks, hence the inspiration to do this blog in eight parts. So, here we are on Part 8, and I feel good calling this the end. After all, the best forms of entertainment are often the ones that understand when to end and how to end. For example: Breaking Bad. For not example: Lost.

I saved the best science fact for the end: You can train your brain to do things that it wasn't originally meant to do. "Neuroplasticity" is a relatively new scientific term, but its understanding has served as the bridge between science and contemplative studies. If you keep up with your mindfulness practice, you can begin to literally change the way your brain works. This kind of control is exciting to me, especially when I feel like so many things are out of my control.

To make this change happen, keep practicing. If you want your body to be more physically fit, you have to be continuously aware of the number of calories going in and the number of sit-ups going out. If you want your mind to be more mentally fit, you have to be just as diligent and disciplined about your routine. Our culture is very concerned about obesity. But, we also have a name for when people don't exercise their mind; it's called stress. And unfortunately, society is much more fearful to learn how to care for this problem. Perhaps that's why we're quick to show concern when someone says they're in physical therapy, but we're quick to judge when someone says they're in mental therapy.

So, I leave you with a few final ways to begin a mindful life that go beyond reading this blog.

Try This
1. Make minor adjustments to your day
Do you make blindly hitting the snooze button worthy of being an Olympic sport?
Try waking up the first time. Sit up in your bed and use those extra few minutes to get in a round of purposeful breathing.

Do you spend one hour making dinner and one minute eating it?
I know I do. Every meal is like a contest that I'm determined to win. I now try to eat more slowly and make sure I really taste the food that I'm lucky to be eating.

Do you spend your showers in random thought?
The shower is a perfect opportunity to be in a mindful state. Focus on your breath, notice the feel of the water, and be thankful for the warmth. Oh, also, clean yourself.

Do you browse through every form of social media before you go to sleep to ensure you are fully updated on everybody's current emotional state?
Try browsing through your own mind and check in on your emotional state.

2. Read a book on mindfulness.
There seems to be a new trend in writing about life. Do a search for books on mindfulness; perhaps find one that breaks an eight-week mindfulness course into chapters. If you see a book written by or forwarded by Jon Kabat-Zinn, its a keeper. He's like Zeus in the world of mindfulness.

3. Download a mindful app.
Try an app that times your meditation or simply plays soft sounds in the background. One option is the app "Headspace," which has received a lot of attention due to its consistent success. And they're not even paying me to say that.

4. Take a mindfulness course
Check out the medical schools and hospitals that are near you to see if any mindfulness courses are offered. There are also several meditation centers that offer daily courses and retreats. UMass Medical School (where Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction was born) offers a nice listing of retreat centers here.

5. Say "neuroplasticity" in conversation at least three times this week.
You will appear smarter than the people around you. So, even if none of the meditation stuff interests you, at least you got something out of reading all of this.


While you're exploring, my hope is that you find someone along the path that you can talk with about your thoughts, emotions, mindful trials and successes.

If you can't find a friend, I would be happy to be that person for you. Shoot me an email at bacolaianne@gmail.com. I know it may seem like an odd offer, but we really need to get this conversation started. Using mindfulness to address our everyday mental health can be a weird topic to bring up in conversation, so I hope we can begin making it the new normal. To do that, perhaps we can move beyond writing blogs and books about life in our 20s and begin building bonds with each other. Shame can be a thick blanket to hide under. Finding another human who can relate to life's troubles can make it easier to come out from under the covers.

And then stay tuned for my next blog series, which will probably be called, Lessons in Your 20s: Never Share Your Personal Email on the Internet.

Oh, well.

Much peace to you,
Blake

(Part 8 of a crash course on mindfulness in your twenties. Click here for the last post.)

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Here's the Best Music to Lull You to Sleep

You don’t need scientific research to tell you that listening to music can quiet your mind and help you relax. But here it is anyway.

A 2013 study published in the online peer-reviewed journal PLOS ONE found that listening to music before a stressful situation helps calm the nervous system. Additional research has shown that music can act as a sleep aid, and that classical music in particular is effective in reducing sleeping problems.

As long as a song or musical number is string-instrument based, with minimal brass and percussion, it has the potential to bring on drowsiness by decreasing anxiety, blood pressure and heart and respiratory rates. Findings suggest that music around 60 beats per minute (the low end of a healthy resting heart rate) can trigger your brain to synchronize your heart rate with the musical beat, and classical does this best.

So it’s Mozart or nothing?

Not necessarily. Kansas State University’s counseling center suggests adding Baroque or New Age music to your sleep playlist, or any other music that has no defined melody and minimal fluctuations in volume. The University of Nevada Counseling Services recommends Native American and Celtic music, Indian stringed instruments, flutes and light jazz. While rock may not be the best option, acoustic instrumental versions of your favorite songs could be worth a listen.

Just keep in mind that two to three tracks probably won’t do the trick. You may need to spend at least 45 minutes in a relaxed position in your bed, listening, to feel the effects. And it could take consecutive days of listening before you find your eyelids drooping to the beat.

According to Gabe Turow, the organizer of a Stanford University symposium that looked at therapeutic benefits of musical rhythm, “Listening to music seems to be able to change brain functioning to the same extent as medication, in many circumstances.”

Is there one perfect song that will put me to sleep?

Actually, there is, according to the British Academy of Sound Therapy. The institution, collaborating with the Manchester band Marconi Union, said it used scientific theory to produce the world’s most relaxing song ever, “Weightless.”

Lyz Cooper, founder of the British Academy of Sound Therapy, explained that not only does the rhythm of “Weightless” lull you by synchronizing with your heart rate (starting at 60 beats per minute and gradually slowing to around 50), but the length of the song figures in as well.

“It’s important that the song is eight minutes because it takes about five minutes for that syncing process to occur.” As with classical music, the drop in heart rate also leads to a drop in blood pressure.

Composed of guitar, piano and manipulated field recordings, “Weightless” relies on “harmonic intervals — or gaps between notes” to create a feeling of “euphoria and comfort,” according to Cooper. And there’s “no repeated melody, which allows your brain to completely switch off” because you’re not trying to predict what comes next. Rather, there are “random chimes that induce a deeper sense of relaxation” and “low whooshing” tones like Buddhist chants that supposedly induce a trance-like state.

Though a few listeners found the bass beats made them hyper, others described the music as “aural bliss.”

-- Ellen Thompson

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Alzheimer's Will Not Be How My Grandmother's American Dream Ends

My grandfather knew he was going to see my grandmother with his caregiver that morning. He was still living at home and my grandmother was living in a nursing home. She was the love of his life and he could no longer take care of her. He began to prepare a bath, which he only did if he was going to see her. He always wanted to look his best when he saw her.

When his caregiver arrived at his house, there was no answer at the door. A few minutes later, still no answer. She dialed 911.

It was a tragic end to their love story 66 years in the making. Tragic not only because my grandfather is gone, but that my grandmother has Stage 7 Alzheimer's. She was and still isn't able to comprehend that her husband of 66 years has passed away. There was no goodbye, no grieving, and no true ending to their story -- a story that I've watched and admired my entire life.

Alzheimer's is a disease. It's a disease that my grandmother has no medical coverage for. A disease that costs her over $300,000 in just two years. A disease that took her ability to speak, to walk, to eat, to go to the bathroom, to sit in a chair. A disease that took her memories, her perception of time, her ability to hold the Mother's Day card I got her. A disease that kept her from seeing her grandchildren graduate college and kept her from attending her husband's funeral.

But she's not gone. She's still here. This is not an obituary.

She fought her entire life for the American Dream. She came to America as an immigrant from Greece without speaking a word of English, fell in love with her husband in New York City, worked in the factories as a seamstress through her Great Depression, raised her beautiful, big, fat Greek family and always, always gave everything she had to others.

Alzheimer's will not be how her American Dream ends. It's time to raise our voices for those who can't. To stand up for those who can't. To fight for those who can no longer fight.

She is the greatest fighter I've ever known and she will keep on fighting. And she's not alone. She will never be alone.

From our days as newborns, my grandmother was always there to take care of us. My siblings and I are 19 months apart from each other so we were a lot to juggle growing up. When my family would go out for the day's adventure, my mom had my brother, my dad had my sister, and my grandmother had me. She always had me, and now I have her.

As of 2015, the cost of Alzheimer's paid out of pocket is $44 billion dollars. Alzheimer's care needs to be covered for everyone.

The disease progressed to the point where my grandmother could no longer live in her own home and my family could no longer take care of her by ourselves. My grandmother stays in a four-star nursing home in a unit specializing in Alzheimer's care that costs over $10,000 a month. Do not be fooled by that rating.

But going into a nursing home is not the end of the battle. Stay positive and be there for them. Be their voice. Love them. Pretend like nothing is wrong and give them a big smile -- your biggest smile. They're still the person you knew your entire life.

My grandmother, Sotiria Catacalos, is a victim of Alzheimer's. As of 2015, 5.3 million Americans are living with the disease. Alzheimer's disease, the sixth largest cause of death in America is the only cause of death among the top 10 that cannot be prevented, cured, or even slowed. This disease needs to be taken seriously. It will not be a new norm.

Alzheimer's has taken my grandmother's ability to walk, eat and participate. But, every time I see her, she still gives me the biggest kiss.

She remembers me. I know she does. Love will trump this disease.


June is Alzheimer's Awareness Month. To learn about how you can help fight this disease please visit www.alz.org.

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Taylor Armstrong Says She's Learned An Invaluable Lesson In Her Second Marriage

When Taylor Armstrong appeared on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," her troubled relationship with her late husband Russell was a central part of her story. Parenting clashes, mounting tensions, allegations of abuse -- cameras captured it all. Then, after Russell took his own life in 2011, filming took an even more complex, emotional turn, with the former "Housewife" speaking pointedly about the alleged abuse in her marriage. Today, Taylor says she's found much-needed healing and, as she tells "Oprah: Where Are They Now -- Extra," has spent time reflecting on not just her relationships, but also on her experience filming a reality show.

While filming "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," Taylor says that her true personality remained hidden. "The years that I filmed 'The Real Housewives,' I didn't get to be myself," she says. "I was just a shadow of a human being."

Taylor says that "Real Housewives" didn't capture her fun-loving side and other core aspects of her personality.

"I wish that people could see how much I love to laugh and how much fun I love to have, and that I have my own opinions," she says. "All of the things I [was] holding inside during those years are back."

In 2014, Taylor married attorney John Bluher. The relationship marked a powerful turning point for her.

"It's the first time in my life that I've been exactly who I want to be," she says. "I said to John when we got married, I said, 'I can't change anymore. You have to love me exactly the way that I am.' Because I changed so much... Now, I've actually become the girl that I wanted to be. And I'm going to stay there."

Their happy union, she adds, has taught her something very important. "I've come to realize that I deserve to be respected and cherished and loved," she says. "That's the most valuable lesson I could have learned."

Now, the 44-year-old says she's embraces being her true self.

"I laugh as loud as I want to now, I don't ever keep my words to myself," Taylor says. "I get to be exactly who I want to be. Every day."

"Oprah: Where Are They Now -- Extra" is a digital series from the OWN show "Oprah: Where Are They Now?"



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What Are the Best Natural Remedies to Treat Insomnia?

You’re lying awake night after night, but you don’t want to pop a pill — we get that. Either you’re afraid of side effects, or you just don’t like that next-day foggy feeling that comes with some sleep aids. Here are eight alternative, natural remedies that might help.

Meditation

Various techniques for calming the mind before sleep have been shown to be effective in easing sleep issues. A recent study published in JAMA comparing two groups of adults found that those who learned mindfulness meditation slept better than the group that simply followed good sleep-hygiene tips.

Aromatherapy

If a warm bath an hour or more before bed has a soothing effect, that same bath with a few drops of a calming essential oil may be even more relaxing. Some scents to try: true bergamot, sandalwood, chamomile and lavender. Dab another drop on your wrists or behind your ears after you dry off.

Exercise

Most people know firsthand how working out (just not too close to bedtime) can help them sleep by burning off anxiety and stress. Exercise is also believed to stimulate longer periods of deep-stage rest. A study in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine took a closer look at the connection between exercise and sleep and found that a group of insomnia sufferers who exercised regularly for 16 weeks showed a “significant improvement across several measures of sleep, including duration and quality,” not to mention their better mood and quality of life. But you’ve got to stick with it. The benefits may not be seen immediately.

Herbal Remedies

Many botanicals, such as valerian, lemon balm, chamomile and kava kava, are believed to promote sleep. While they are endorsed by many credentialed alternative medicine practitioners, and may very well work, you’ll want to tread carefully, as herbal supplements are not subject to FDA testing. Side effects and long-term effects are not always known.

Hypnosis

Can you be hypnotized into experiencing deeper, better-quality sleep? One recent Swiss study seems to point that way. In the research, hypnosis increased deep sleep on average by 80 percent and time spent awake was cut by 67 percent. Note: The women in the study who fared best were deemed, by prior testing, to be “suggestible” to hypnosis. In this case, the hypnosis was via tapes listened to before bed.

Light Therapy

One cause of insomnia is a body clock that’s out of whack. Some people have improved their sleep with light therapy, where you sit in front of a special light box that mimics the wavelength and strength of outdoor light for a proscribed amount of time each day. It’s thought that exposure to the light resets and/or realigns your circadian rhythm.

Acupuncture

This traditional Chinese medicine technique has been used for many years to treat sleeplessness. With acupuncture, fine needles are inserted into specific points on the body that lie along meridians, or energy pathways, to re-balance the flow of energy and eliminate the blockages that are allegedly causing problems. A review of studies involving acupuncture and insomnia — published in the Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine — gave the treatment a gold star for overall effectiveness.

Magnesium

This mineral has been found to promote deeper sleep. A 2012 study in the Journal of Medical Research Sciences found that taking a magnesium supplement helped older adults get better-quality sleep, with longer sleep times. It also appears that a deficiency in magnesium and calcium may trigger nighttime wakings. Magnesium is found naturally in dark leafy greens, nuts and seeds, avocados, bananas and fish; it can also be taken as a nutritional supplement.

-- Denise Schipani

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5 Bold Ways To Reach Your Goals (AND Love Your Life)

By Cathleen Miller

One of my clients, who just recently retired, is trying to find a new life direction.

Now a multimillionaire, from the sale of her company, she's now bored and feeling emotionally paralyzed regarding her perspective future.

After crossing her own "financial finish line," as millions of us aspire to -- instead of booking a five star spa vacation -- she hit a dead end. Her expected magical sense of fulfillment and completion from achieving her goal was missing, leaving her feeling deflated and lost.

Is it possible that the process of getting there was more fun than any final result?

The many small compromises made along her route to success ended up costing her a true sense of self. Like many others, she bought into the misguided illusion of "I'll be happy when ... " and then felt hollow once she arrived at "when."

But, what if there's a way we can keep our authentic self, still kick ass in business, and genuinely feel happy along the way. Seem impossible? It's not.

Here are 5 ways to obtain that healthy hybrid of reaching for your future while also living in the now:

1. Transform goals into transitions, not destinations.

According to a Stanford study, raising children is highly stressful, providing "meaningfulness" to our lives, but not always "happiness." Likewise, retirees and "empty nesters" find themselves feeling lost or in despair once they're alone without a specific goal, purpose, or direction. However, relief comes when we let go of any notion of one ultimate finish line and allow ourselves to enjoy the never ending leap from one life chapter to the next.

2. Let every moment truly count.

Einstein theorized a "continuum" of time because, as far as we know, there are no missing points in space or instants in time. This translates to each moment being as relevant (and potentially whole) in and of itself as any other. Highly successful people use this awareness to enjoy all of their moments (big and small) and squeeze sweeter "feel good juice" out of every experience and interaction.

3. Celebrate every step.

Change happens (endlessly)! Learning to appreciate every baby step and stage of development, while acknowledging the relevant growth in each step, is crucial to attaining wisdom and enjoying life. Savoring (and welcoming) ongoing change helps you feel stable as inevitable, unexpected turns in life occur. Flexibility supports longevity in any relationship or venture.

4. Choose "authentic" over "busy."

Keeping an overbooked schedule is not necessarily more meaningful or important, nor is it a benchmark of actual success. Conscious living is more about being an active contributor in everything you do, whether you're a mom, CEO, or non-profit volunteer, using your capacities to, both, receive from life and share your own time, skills and knowledge. Staying "busy" keeps your wheels spinning, but powerful, positive presence helps you actually go somewhere.

5. Discover and express the REAL you.

Through many stages of life our identity, style and nature change to adapt to stress. It is, however, when we alter our voice (and true sense of self) compromising ourselves for the sake of conforming, that we get into trouble. Although, seemingly an honorable self sacrifice to keep peace for the family or ones work place, it leads to resentment, regret, and even illness. And after awhile, you lose your authentic self, which only you can reclaim.

Most of us feel "lost," from time to time, in the tunnel vision of daily details or hyper-focus on a specific goal or outcome. Learning to celebrate and balance your work, home, health and family while cultivating daily fun time supports easier transitions into later post-goal chapters of life.

Let yourself start leaping fearlessly forward into what feels good in each moment, without knowing what the future holds ... THIS is what our whole earth race is all about!

There is a thrill in nothing ending, or any one point in time being "everything." I love knowing no matter what I achieve, there are always new possibilities to eagerly anticipate in the endless game ahead.

Cathleen is a Holistic MediumTM Practitioner & Intuitive Life Coach guiding clients around the world into greater health, relationships and soul success.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.

More great content from YourTango:

• The 35 Small Things You Can Do Right Now To Feel Awesome

• 20 Things Really, Really Happy People Do WAY Differently

• 15 Signs You're Winning At Life (Even If It Doesn't Feel Like It)

• Be Still, My Heart! The 10 Greatest Love Stories OF ALL TIME

• The 50 Most Inspiring Romantic Quotes

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The Words That Cost Me My Most Important Friendship

What happens when the person you most want to share good news with no longer takes your calls? How one woman got through being dumped by a friend.

By Annabelle Gurwitch

It was a gorgeous spring evening in New York City. A balmy breeze was blowing, the sky was beginning to darken and the lights of the city were twinkling. I was strolling down a cobblestone street in Greenwich Village. Having worked as an actress for several decades, I was making a career transition with a family to support -- a dicey proposition. Finances had been tight. The previous months had included a short but stinging stint of collecting unemployment insurance. But I'd just learned I was being offered a great opportunity -- a publishing house was going to option my book. I was elated and wanted to share the news with my closest friend of 30 years.

Natalie and I spoke to each other almost every week, sometimes talking every day or even several times a day. I speed-dialed and chirped, "I sold my book!" She answered with, "My sister was just diagnosed with breast cancer again." She was in a rush to get off the phone but I hurriedly blurted out the amount of money I'd sold the proposal for. I was just so proud and, frankly, relieved. I knew as soon as I heard the connection click off that I'd been insensitive. What I didn't know was it would be the last time we would communicate for seven years.

We were in high school when we met. I'd outgrown my group of childhood friends, and Natalie was smart, well-read and sophisticated, all the things I hoped I projected. Best of all, she attended a different school and brought a whole new set of pals into my orbit as well. We lost touch during our college years but reconnected at an airport in our mid-20s. Oddly enough, we were each working in television and theater, she as a writer and me as an actress.

We were both single, had dubious taste in men and fancied the kind of plays where a character might confuse a Thanksgiving dinner with an alien abduction. We regularly met up in New York and Los Angeles and even collaborated on several projects. I frequently crashed at her place as she usually had nicer digs. Once, she confessed that she thought some guy I was head over heels with, who had a habit of putting his hand up my skirt in public, was creepy. She was right, he was! When she landed in a run-down bungalow with a guy who cheated on her and treated her with an aggressive shabbiness, I sat her down over lunch and said, "This relationship is draining your life. You need to get out. Even your hair is dry!" Years later we could still find ourselves laughing about a relationship so terrible that it could give you split ends.

When her parents came to town, I was often included in their plans -- memorable evenings with Natalie; her father, a brilliant doctor; and her mother, an avatar in business, whose career and relationship advice invariably proved insightful. As we entered our 40s, Natalie and I were both married with children. I'd sublet apartments based on proximity to her place and stop in to play with her children who I adored, and were nice stand-ins for my own son, when work brought me to her side of the country.

So after that call, I emailed a contrite apology. Nothing. I left a pleading, self-effacing message. I didn't hear back. More emails and messages. When a few months passed, it hit me. I wasn't going to hear back from her. Not now. Not ever.

I got angry with her. What kind of cold and withholding person doesn't accept an apology? Then, I got sad. Unbearably sad. I was sure I'd been unmasked and revealed to be a fraud, unworthy of the friendship that had been at the center of my life so many years.

Six months later, still bereft, I found myself seated at a brunch next to a friend of a friend who extolled the benefits of a co-dependency support group she was attending. The idea of sharing intimate details of my life with strangers sounded like hitting rock bottom. But that's exactly how I ended up spending my Saturday mornings on an uncomfortable metal folding chair under florescent lighting in a church basement listening to people talk about the unhealthy attachments to people in their lives, in a TMI way that I found embarrassing. After about a month, though, I started to recognize myself in their stories. Like them, I'd grown up in a family that had been unstable, financially and emotionally, and, like them, I'd desperately tried to fill that gap. Most of my close friends, like Natalie, came from tight-knit families, and I'd fostered relationships with their parents and often their siblings as well. Did I think sometimes that I was almost family? Well, yes. Was it possible that my self-esteem was so fragile that I was depending on them for validation? Yes -- yes, it was. As sudden and startling as my friend's abandonment seemed, I asked myself, "What part of what happened was I responsible for?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was too busy with my own needs to recognize that she needed support. Determined to respect her choice, I stopped trying to gain her friendship back. It wasn't just a phone call. It was a wake-up call.

Instead of wallowing in what I'd lost, a very tempting prospect, I began keeping gratitude lists and adopted a meditation practice. A week rarely goes by where I don't interrupt myself mid-sentence with my new favorite acronym: W.A.I.T. "Why am I talking?" And when I find myself complaining about how I've been wronged by someone, I give myself a "time out." (If you've never said, "Mom's in a time out!" I highly recommend it. That phrase can stop even a snarly teenager in their tracks.) In a nod to Natalie's largess, I've opened my guest bedroom to young writers and performers in need of support.

I am still working on this -- I might always be working on this -- but as hard as it is, becoming more self-reliant brings me one step closer to becoming a more compassionate, better friend to others.

Here's the kicker. It was a gorgeous Manhattan evening as few weeks ago when Natalie unexpectedly turned up at one of my readings. The evening ended with us laughing about how much effort it takes at our age to find a ruffled (tie neck) blouse that covers "the gobbler" but doesn't make us look like Queen Elizabeth I. The next day we exchanged emails on the chance that we might squeeze in some time to grab a cup of coffee before I left town. In the past, I would have moved mountains to hold tight to that connection, but I had a busy day scheduled and I stuck to my plans, trusting that we'd get together again in the future. Or not. I've learned now that, sometimes, letting go can be the best way to be a good friend.

Annabelle Gurwitch is the author of I See You Made an Effort: Compliments, Indignities, and Survival Stories from the Edge of 50 (Plume).



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from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/23/best-friend-breakup_n_7623706.html
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Major League Baseball Could Have Its First Female Player Soon

A 16-year-old French shortstop made history on Sunday afternoon. Melissa Mayeux became the first-ever woman eligible to be signed by a Major League Baseball team. MLB.com's Lindsay Berra reported...

from MindBodyGreen http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20464/major-league-baseball-could-have-its-first-female-player-soon.html
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6 Ways That Your Personality Type Affects Your Sleep

Are you an early bird? Perfectionist? Extrovert? Your "personality type" may explain a lot about how you interact with the world when you're awake, but it may also give a bit of insight into your sleep habits.

While character traits are hardly a significant or deciding factor when it comes to our sleeping patterns, it turns out how we behave can still subtly affect us while we sleep. Below are a few ways our personality, sleep schedules and shut-eye might be linked.


Photo credit: Shutterstock

1. Genetics determine whether you're a night owl or an early bird.
You may not even be able to help it if you prefer to rise with the sun or the stars. The distinction between late nighters and early risers -- also known as a chronotype -- may lie in our body's own internal clock. Chronotypes are largely determined by genetics, the BBC reported.

"Chronotypes reflect individual differences in the timing of the circadian rhythm and can be affected by age," Natalie Dautovich, an environmental scholar at the National Sleep Foundation, told The Huffington Post in an email. "For example, adolescents are more likely to be an evening type compared to older adults."

2. Early birds may be happier.
Early birds get the worm, and it turns out they also might get a few health perks, too. Morning people report feeling happier and tend to be more persistent than their night-owl counterparts.

Research also suggests morning people may be more well-rested since they are less likely to experience "social jet lag," which is what happens when our biological clock is out of sync with our 9-to-5 social clock.

3. "Type As" might struggle with falling asleep.
If you're a notorious overthinker, like a Type A individual, you might have a little trouble letting go of your stressors -- especially when you crawl into bed. "Cognitive arousal can take many forms, from simply reviewing the activities of the day, to ruminating or worrying about different things," Dautovich said.

For some people, that inability to shut off the brain may prevent them from falling asleep, says Dr. Shalini Paruthi, education committee chair of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine and the director of the Pediatric Sleep and Research Center at Saint Louis University.

"What it really means is that the mind isn't mentally aligning with the body to physically fall asleep," Paruthi told The Huffington Post. If anxious thoughts are keeping you awake, there are therapies to help treat the problem -- the most common form being cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, she said.

4. Night owls are believed to be greater risk-takers.
Evening people may be more sensation- or novelty-seeking, according to a 2014 study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences. They're rumored to be more creative and have higher cognitive abilities, though Paruthi explains that research has yet to confirm that as far as she knows.

Night owls get a bad rap for burning the midnight oil, but their late bedtime isn't something to criticize as long they're getting the recommended seven hours of interrupted sleep each night, Paruthi said.

5. Extroverts might get a better quality of sleep.
In a preliminary 2014 study published in the journal Health Psychology, researchers found an association between individuals with higher extroversion and better sleep. The same association was found in individuals with high conscientiousness and agreeableness. This of course is not the sole indicator of a good night's rest, as other environmental factors play a much bigger role, but studying the link between personality and sleep "may benefit more personalized treatment of sleep disorders and help in personnel selection to jobs in which it is critical to stay alert," the researchers noted.

6. Neurotic individuals may be more susceptible to insomnia.
Those who display traits of neuroticism may have an increased stress-reactivity, which could lead to sleep disruption and insomnia, according to 2013 findings published in the journal Sleep Medicine Reviews. However, researchers note that neuroticism and stress are somewhat cyclical, so it's likely the anxiety that's associated with the behavior is what could be leading to poor sleep.

"Stress can definitely be a detriment to obtaining healthy sleep," Dautovich said. "Stress can create a vicious cycle where it affects sleep, and the lack of sleep affects our ability to cope with stress."



What can we do about it?
Ultimately, experts stress that personality types have little influence compared to other external factors in your sleep environment, so don't worry too much if you identify with a certain behavioral trait. Regardless of what's keeping you up at night, whether it be your wired mind or something else, here are a few tips to help you fall asleep faster and get a better quality of sleep:

• Get out of bed. If you don't, your brain may start associating that sleep haven with being wide awake. If you don't fall asleep within 20 to 30 minutes, get up and go to a different room.

• Check the temperature. The best quality of sleep is achieved in a cool, dark room. The ideal temperature for getting quality shuteye is around 60 to 68 degrees, Dautovich previously told HuffPost.

• Try an activity. Just make sure it's boring, Paruthi advised. Pick up a dull textbook if you can't seem to drift off (sorry, no Harry Potter). Writing in a journal may also help.

• Ban those screens. Turn off those devices at least 30 minutes, but preferably an hour, before bed, Paruthi said. Research shows that the blue wavelengths emitted from screens may delay the production of melatonin, the hormone in the body that helps us drift off. "Use a [physical] alarm clock to wake up in the morning," she said.

• Stick to a sleep routine. Start getting ready for bed around the same time and make it a calming ritual (meditation, anyone?). "People fail to prioritize sleep," Paruthi said. "A routine really helps guide the brain -- and sleep is a function of the brain -- that's time to switch from 'go, go, go' to settling down."

Looking for more tips? Click here for 31 hacks to help you sleep better tonight.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/23/how-personality-type-affects--sleep_n_7309140.html
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Now Is the Time to Talk About Your Pregnancy Loss

I didn't want to say it. I thought about just keeping it a secret, glossing over such a difficult topic. What if things got awkward? She probably wouldn't know how to respond.

She was just being friendly, looking at my bulging belly, and asking how many pregnancies I'd had. It would have been so easy to say this was my second.

But it wasn't. It was my third. My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage, and it would be so easy to let that little fact fall by the wayside. What did it matter, anyway? We were at the playground -- no one's life was going to be changed here.

I had to say it, though, and I did it the only way I know how: I closed my eyes and forced my mouth to make the words. "It's my third pregnancy, actually. My first was a loss, and it took us a while to get pregnant again."

There, it was out. My dirty laundry. Maybe it was an overshare, but it was the truth. I waited for her to change the topic. Instead, she leaned in and whispered, "I had one, too. Last year. It's been really hard since then, but we're trying again."

She looked relieved. With that one admission, we were a little closer than we had been five minutes ago. With just that one shred of truth between us, we took a step toward normalizing something that's far more common than most people think.

As many as 20 percent of all known pregnancies end in a miscarriage. And yet, many people who haven't been directly affected by pregnancy loss seem to think the rate is somewhere closer to 5 percent. That's a staggering difference between public perception and reality. Especially when it's such a painful reality for so many women and men.

The big question is, how do we change this perception? Short of papering major cities with pregnancy loss awareness pamphlets, how do we start spreading the message that pregnancy loss is common and painful and nothing to be ashamed of? The answer is in our stories.

In generations past, pregnancy alone was something of a taboo topic. It was shocking just for Lucille Ball to appear pregnant on her own television show. Television executives expected audiences to be scandalized by the physical manifestation of her marital sex. If the mere image of a pregnant woman was taboo, imagine how that extends to losing the baby.

For decades, women have been expected to keep these things private. It wasn't appropriate to mention such personal matters; it amounted to airing your dirty laundry in public. The times, though, they are a-changin'.

Maybe we have social media to thank, or perhaps its the incredible wealth of information that's become available since the dawn of the Internet, but people are starting to talk. Women are starting to declare that their losses were not, in fact, their fault. Men are slowly becoming more comfortable sharing their pain after a miscarriage. Voices are starting to be heard.

There's a long way to go before pregnancy loss ceases to carry a stigma. Too many men are expected to "man up" and shrug off a loss. Too many women are downright afraid to tell their coworkers that they've missed work to recover from a miscarriage. Too many families hide the news of new pregnancies out of fear of having to tell people if there's been a loss.

Change is going to come when we force the words out of our mouths, and tell people our stories. It's time to talk about the baby you lost 30 years ago, when you were young and newly married. It's time to tell your boss that you need the day off to be with your wife, who has lost your child. It's time to be honest with each other, and reveal the messier parts of our lives. That's the only way we're going to realize that pregnancy loss affects far, far more people than we think it does.

I can guarantee that you know someone affected by pregnancy loss. It might be a relative, or it might be a friend. It might be someone you work with or someone you went to school with.

To so many of the people fighting through this, it can bring an incredible amount of comfort to hear that they're not alone.

Maybe you think that your miscarriage happened too long ago, and no one would care about it now. I assure you, someone cares. Maybe you're open about your stillbirth, and you think people are sick of hearing you talk about it. They're not. It might be that you had a loss once upon a time, but you've had children since then and have healed. There are people who need to hear your story, too.

I'm talking about my story and the story of the woman at the park. I'm talking about your story. It's time to start adding our voices to the growing wave of people who aren't ashamed or embarrassed. It's time to change how we talk about pregnancy loss. Will you join me?

Find out more about my campaign to raise pregnancy loss awareness here.

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from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-zamudio/now-is-the-time-to-talk-about-your-pregnancy-loss_b_7513288.html
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Overconfidence Actually Gets You Dates, Says Annoying Study

Academic studies can be fascinating... and totally confusing. So we decided to strip away all of the scientific jargon and break them down for you.

The Background
There are many benefits to being confident -- confident people are considered more believable, they have more social influence and they're more likely to be chosen for leadership positions than less confident peers. So it doesn't seem like a huge leap to assume that confidence can probably result in romantic advantages, too. But when it comes to confidence in the dating world, is more always better? And if yes, how? A series of studies compiled into one paper published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin this month delved into whether or not overconfidence benefits daters. Spoiler alert: If you feel like you're only attracting smug, full-of-themselves types, these findings might provide some insight.

The Setup
The comprehensive study included five separate experiments: For the first four, researchers brought in various groups of gay, straight and bi-identified men and women, divided about evenly between genders, to create online dating profiles. To suss out who among them might be a little too sure of him or herself, the researchers had participants fill out a questionnaire that asked them to rate how familiar they were with certain topics -- some of which weren't actually real. Those who claimed expertise on fake topics like "ultra-lipids" and "sentence stigma" revealed themselves to be a little too confident.

But when we look at someone's dating profile who appears rather confident, we don't typically know if high self-regard really translates into high quality. Though the first study showed that overconfident people were considered more desirable by people who viewed their profiles and perceived their confidence, a second experiement showed that overconfident people were also considered more arrogant -- a well-established not-so-good quality. This arrogance counteracted the boost in desirability people's overconfidence gave them, essentially creating a neutral effect in the dating world.



Here's where it gets interesting: Researchers added a competitive element to subsequent studies to see how overconfident people fared compared to their less confident counterparts. A hypothetical dating scenario was created wherein 556 new participants were asked if they'd compete with the participants from a prior study for a potential partner's attention. These new "competitors" also created dating profiles and had their confidence levels measured. According to the researchers:

The competitors were then asked to imagine that they were participating in a singles' mixer organized by the dating site and that, having read the profiles of everyone in attendance, they were only interested in one individual. Unfortunately, they arrived at the mixer to find the focus of their desire in conversation with a potential rival (of the same sex as the participant).

The competitors were then shown five profiles from the previous versions of the study and told that these were the people they were competing with for the attention of the individual who sparked their interest. They were then asked how easy they thought it would be to compete with another suitor and whether or not they'd join a communal table with the person the wanted to talk to, and the person they already talking to.

The Findings
With the addition of a competitive element, the researchers found that competitors were less likely to compete with rivals whose profiles made them appear confident and arrogant. Overconfident rivals were considered more difficult to compete with, so competitors were more likely to opt out of the hypothetical romantic situation entirely. Instead of trying to flirt with the desired individual, they chose not to sit with him or her if it meant sitting with the overconfident rival, too.

The researchers performed an additional experiment which reaffirmed that overconfidence deterred competitors but also found that -- on the flip side -- overconfident daters were more willing to take a seat at that table and compete with a rival for a romantic partner. That said, overconfidence didn't necessarily increase desirability when prospective partners read their profiles.

Just imagine that you're at a bar and a low quality, overconfident type approaches you and starts a conversation. All the while, there could be higher quality shy people who are interested, but now they're too intimidated to approach you -- they see how confident that person who's chatting you up looks. So now it's game over for high-quality shy people, while the low-quality overconfident one has a solid in.

After completing an agent-based modeling in a fifth study, the researchers found that overconfidence actually does boost a person's chances of romantic success in competitive environments. It may seem counterintuitive, since we tend not to like egotistical people in theory, but these studies suggest that overconfident daters succeed more often simply because they have the chutzpah to stay in the game.



The Takeaway
Of course, not every overconfident person is bad per se. But if you've dated cocky schmuck after cocky schmuck, maybe it's not that your picker is broken. It might be that you're just more aggressively pursued by overconfident, potentially schmuck-y people, which makes it harder to notice the shy catch who's too scared to come up to you while Mr. or Ms. Overconfident is sitting beside you all night. So it's not you -- it's them. Feel better about your poor dating choices now?

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/23/overconfidence-dates-study_n_7614182.html
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Daily Meditation: Spirit Guides

We all need help maintaining our personal spiritual practice. We hope that these Daily Meditations, prayers and mindful awareness exercises can be part of bringing spirituality alive in your life.

Today's meditation features a song by American folk group Hem. "Seven Angels" explores the notion that there is always someone or something looking out for us -- and that realization may bring us some measure of peace.



Seven Angels by Hem

Sleep come easy to your bed this night,
Seven angels hold you in their light.

One holds the candle,
One holds the crown,
One holds the moonlight
Shining down.

Dream of fortune in the world below.
Seven angels in the afterglow.

One holds the lantern
Deep in the mine,
One holds the daylight
Left behind.

One holds the lightning,
Flashing then gone.
One holds the Sun
Waiting 'til dawn.

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from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/23/daily-meditation_n_7641392.html
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18 Amazing Active Vacations You Can Actually Afford

Booking a healthy getaway doesn’t require cleaning out your savings account—these incredible experiences around the world prove it.

     

 

 

from Greatist - Health and Fitness Articles, News, and Tips http://greatist.com/move/affordable-fitness-vacations?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=feed_http--greatistcom-
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Meditation: My Secret Weapon to Disrupting the Energy Industry

Recently, I walked into a formal dining room filled with fine china and butlers. At the table sat six older male utility executives ready to hear my pitch. As a young female entrepreneur from Silicon Valley leading Sunrun, the nation's largest dedicated residential solar company, I was there to describe a new business model that threatens a century of monopoly utility power: How to make solar more accessible to American consumers. Confrontation was not an option, and the gender and age gaps were not in my favor. Luckily, I have a secret weapon: meditation.

It's no surprise the energy world I work in hasn't seen much change in the last 100 years. There's a lot of money, politics and bureaucracy making decisions about how Americans use energy to power their lives. To protect this historical monopoly, many utilities have begun attacking solar because it is a powerful and competitive threat to one of the largest industries in the world. Rooftop solar is the first true form of competition that utilities have ever faced. The company I lead, Sunrun, is reinventing the way homeowners consume energy by making switching to solar easy -- no upfront cost and immediate savings. We've grown from zero to 2,000 employees and over $2 billion of assets in just eight years. Needless to say, I am constantly faced with business challenges requiring creative solutions, and the need for personal tools to maintain my balance and equanimity. This is where my secret weapon comes into play.

I've been practicing meditation for a few years now. I find that it takes away unnecessary anxiety and doubt and makes me a better performer. When dealing with challenging people and situations -- such as the meeting I described above -- a brief moment of breathing and reflection brings me to a place of creativity and positive action.

I am not the only one who believes in the power of meditation in the workplace. Donna Karan and Diane von Furstenburg have been using mindfulness meditation as a business tool for more than 10 years. Steve Jobs was a Zen Buddhist, and spoke openly about how his practice shaped both his worldview and the streamlined product designs at Apple. Approximately 25 percent of U.S. companies have now launched stress reduction programs. Numerous studies have shown meditation to reduce levels of cortisol, a hormone related to stress, leaving the mind calmer and more focused. And according to Science Daily, 20 minutes per day of guided workplace meditation can lower feelings of stress.

Meditation has been a go-to business tool to help me see others as part of a shared universe. It allows me to greet people with openness -- be it in a male-dominated boardroom, or across the conference table with a colleague. I even open Monday morning meetings with Sunrun's leadership team with a short meditation to help everyone prepare for the week ahead.

I'll soon be taking on a new job where meditation is sure to help me even more: as a first-time mother. Meditation helped me get through my first trimester when I wasn't feeling my best and had lower than usual energy levels. In my final trimester, my practice gives me a boost of energy when I'm back-to-back all day in demanding meetings. In the midst of a hectic outer world, meditation has allowed me create a calm inner world and peaceful home for the baby.

For many years, I have worked to introduce a disruptive innovation to the energy market, and meditation has helped keep me calm, focused and more open to transformative possibilities. As I take on my next "disruptive innovation" as a mom, I am grateful to have this secret weapon to help me succeed at embracing a new unknown.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lynn-jurich/meditation-my-secret-weapon_b_7537422.html
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How FOMO Can Sneak Up on You

Today we get to the core of a little nugget called FOMO. The acronym has been around for a while. The concept has been around a whole lot longer than that.

And yet, for some reason, so many of us still fall prey to it. It seems to sneak up on us regularly, gets in the way of our happiness and fulfillment and success. Thus, our brief FOMO journey today.

If you haven't heard of the acronym, FOMO stands for the almighty...

Fear. Of. Missing. Out.

I gave myself a full on dose of FOMO recently... when, after an exhausting week, my visions of chilling out and reading for a whole Saturday got passed up so I could attend a networking event. I didn't want to miss out on perhaps meeting a new person who might perhaps one day become a client.

I regretted the change of plans the second I put on my uncomfortable high heel shoes.



When I arrived I was tired. I wasn't on my game. I met no one new... which was a good thing. Because I could've really messed things up if I had.

We need to take FOMO seriously. It sneaks up on us, makes us doubt the thoughtful decisions we've made...the ones about our time and our money and how we will spend them...and gets us to change them for the wrong reason.

And then we miss out on what actually matters to us.

• FOMO is when we interrupt our special family dinner to answer our cell phone in case someone needs us. Whoever that might be.
• 
  
• FOMO is when we put off finishing up that that big project because we get invited to a casual lunch with our co-workers... and we don't want to miss out on the chance for some bonding and office gossip. Whatever that might be.
• 
  
• FOMO is when we attend another singles event...even though we hate them...because we don't want to miss out on the chance to meet that special someone. Whoever that might be.

(And then, all-too-often, we wind up meeting this person instead.)



Sometimes FOMO has to do with the fear of missing out on something fun. Sometimes it has to do with the fear of missing out on a career opportunity. Sometimes it's just about wanting to be a part of the action, at all costs to our family, our work, our health.

Yes, there are times when we need to change our plans in order to take advantage of opportunities that come our way. And we do it thoughtfully.

But.

That's not FOMO.

FOMO isn't about thoughtful decisions. FOMO is about fear.

And what is fear? Fear is about something that might happen in the future. In this case it's about something that might happen that we aren't a part of.

And to be clear, something might happen. There will always be action - or the potential for action - going on somewhere.

Even if we really, really try, we simply cannot be a part of everything anyway. There are too many things happening in life all at the same time.

The point is that this doesn't matter. Or if we want to be happy, we need to make it matter less.

If we really want to be intentional in our lives, if we really want to stick to decisions about our success and happiness, then we must be OK with not being a part of everything... of anything other than what's going on for us right now.

In the end, that's what life is about, yes? To do the things and be with the people that we decide matter most at any given time.

That's what I'm trying to do. Which is why I've decided there will be no more evenings filled with high-heel shoes unless I intentionally decide I want to be there. I will do my best to let the fear go, to keep FOMO from sneaking up on me.

If nothing else, I know my feet will thank me.



This week:

Beware of FOMO. Recognize how it plays into your life. Get over the fear. Enjoy every moment you're in. And live the success and happiness you've intended.


PS. thanks to knowyourmeme for the "Sudden Clarity Clarence" shot. Love it!

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deirdre-maloney/how-fomo-can-sneak-up-on-you_b_7638716.html
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These Photos Of Zen Dogs Will Make You Feel Zen, Too

"Dogs don't sweat the small stuff. They are spontaneous and carefree," points out Alex Cearns, a professional pet and wildlife photographer who is the creative director of Australia's Houndstooth Studio.

In a series called Zen Dogs, Cearns photographed pups looking peaceful and calm, their eyes closed. The dogs appear blissed-out, serene and content -- a state in which most pet owners probably imagine their animals live all the time.


Alex Cearns

To capture the animals looking so placid, Cearns counts the number of seconds between blinks. She can take upward of 300 photos of an animal in one hour-long session; she says she usually gets one terrific Zen Dog-worthy shot in the bunch.

"To be honest, I can really only catch the photo if [the dogs] are relaxed and peaceful -- so each photo is an authentic photo," she told The Huffington Post.


Alex Cearns

Dogs have the power to make people happier and feel less stressed, so it's not a stretch to imagine you've started to look a little more blissed-out yourself just looking at the photos.

Cearns believes her project can serve as a gentle and positive reminder to rake a break, unwind and contemplate inner peace and presence. Take a moment out of your day to enjoy a collection of these charming shots, and maybe you'll feel a little bit of what the dogs do.



from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/23/zen-dogs-dog-photos-stress_n_7637044.html
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The Gift of Jealousy

Having the ability to confront all of our feelings head on and be present with them is one of the most important gifts we can give to ourselves. I believe our world would be a very different place if we were taught this from an early age. Instead, we are usually given messages that cause us to perceive feeling our true emotions as a demonstration of weakness or simply unnecessary. There is that beautiful truth, "What you resist, persists." If we don't feel what is really occurring within us, these buried emotions will manage to show up in creative and often ugly ways. There is that other beautiful truth, "You have to feel it to heal it." Giving ourselves permission to FEEL what's true for us allows us to open the doorway to the truth of what our heart is calling forth in us.

The truth is all emotions are valuable and can teach us profound lessons if we are willing to see them in this way. Every feeling is a signpost that has the ability to lead us to growth and increasing self-awareness. This includes the feeling of jealousy. I love this emotion because it can really help us to learn so much about what is going on within us if we choose to make use of it in a conscious and empowering way.

Jealousy is an emotion that will arise simply because we are observing something in someone that we are longing to uncover and own within ourselves.

Our power lies in the knowing that we can choose to either unconsciously react or gracefully respond to this emotion based on the thoughts that we believe about the outside world and more importantly about the internal world happening within us. We can either perceive jealousy from a fearful (ego) perspective or we can perceive it from a loving (truthful) perspective.

Choosing to perceive jealousy from a fearful perspective keeps us from acknowledging that the emotion even exists. Instead, we will deny, ignore and suppress the feeling each time it arises. We don't think twice about feeling jealous, but rather we will automatically react with thoughts that may sound like or similar to:

"They had to work very hard for that"
"I should just be settle and be happy"
"They are greedy"
"That was just meant for them"
"That isn't meant for me"
"I'm not good enough"
"I'm not worthy enough"
"I can never have that."
"That only happens for some people"
"I'm not meant to have that."
"Some people are just lucky"
"That is too good to be true"
"He/she always gets what they want"

These low energy and exhausting thoughts are endless and usually live so deeply within us. So deep in fact that we have no awareness that they are even brewing under the surface let alone of how they are causing us to feel. They are poison for the soul... plain and simple and will never allow us to truly connect with our truth if we don't allow ourselves to become aware of them.

The ego is always on a mission to feel like it is right and to make it feel safe and in control. Therefore, when we are seeing through the eyes of the ego, we will tend to criticize or judge others for having the very thing that we desire. We may even make excuses for why they have what they have in order to make ourselves feel better for not having it. When we do this, we opt out of going within ourselves and facing the truth of what our own desires are. It is much easier to criticize and judge others rather than to muster up the courage to take responsibility for our own truth. From this perspective, we play the role of the victim... we become trapped by our fearful thoughts... we remain in denial.

But there is another way...

If we choose to perceive jealousy from a loving perspective, then we are willing to recognize and own the emotion as it arises within us. Rather than deny it, we are grateful for it because we are aware that it is teaching us something very valuable about ourselves. We then might ask ourselves the following questions to gain more clarity;

"What am I really feeling jealous about?"
"What is it within me that is bringing up this feeling?
"What is it that I really desire that I'm not allowing myself to have?"
"Why do I believe that I can't have this?
"Who am I blaming for feeling this way?"
"What other beliefs are attached to this feeling?"
"How can I begin to see how I can fulfill this desire too?"

The answers may surprise you. If we really investigate our thoughts and desires, we will notice that we are really desiring the "feeling" that we believe having the "thing" will give us. If you answer the questions honestly, you may come to discover you are just envious of someone's confidence, courage, happiness, assuredness, silliness, belief in themselves, lightheartedness, ability to speak up, etc.

I have personally experienced this emotion from both perspectives. My jealousy showed up when I would observe others speaking up and doing what they loved. When I came from my Ego, I found myself criticizing and judging them. As I awoken to the idea that they were just showing me a quality that I admired and hadn't yet embraced, I began to practice owning and accepting this quality within myself. The good news is we can't see in someone else what isn't already in us. Jealousy really is just directing us to the deeper truth of who we are. The key is to allow the feeling to be with us and have the willingness to ask ourselves empowering questions. They will lead you to some very powerful answers. It is these answers that will guide you to make the necessary choices that will give you exactly what your own heart is longing for. Trust that and act on it. It is truly the sweet spot of freedom.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/denise-simone/the-gift-of-jealousy_1_b_7639856.html
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13 Things to Never Say to People Who Suffer From Chronic Pain

Chronic pain is something I've lived for years, chronic headaches, chronic hip pains and related chronic back pain, chronic neck aches and chronic muscle pain... not to mention the emotional pain that came with it.

I've healed from my non-stop, 24/7 chronic headaches and running happily without chronic hip pains again.

I am grateful for every pain-free moment. I am happy for my healing. I also don't take it for granted.

I understand others who are struggling with chronic pain right now. While I believe healing is possible for just about any condition, I know that in some cases it can take decades of trial and error and for some healing may not arrive this lifetime. The hope is out there. Healing is a journey. Personal and spiritual growth happens even if the pain doesn't disappear just yet.

Still, living with chronic pain is difficult. I felt misunderstood, lost and lonely -- often hopeless. During my many years with chronic pain I've heard many comments from friends, family and strangers. While I know most of these comments came with good intentions from kindness, the truth is many of these comments were hurtful, annoying, unhelpful and even inappropriate.

Because I know that you want to help your loved ones with chronic pain, yet your comments don't always come across helpful, I want to help you how to communicate with those with chronic pain.

Here are 13 things you should never say to someone with chronic pain and what to say instead.

1. "You should snap out of it. It is not a phase or a bad mood that one can snap out of." Chronic pain is real pain that is chronic that I can't just stop with a magic stick. Otherwise I would.

2. "It's all in your head. No, actually, it is not." There is truth behind the mind-body-soul connection, but that's just it, even if and when there are emotional reasons tied to the illness, the physical symptoms and physical reasons are very real.

3. "Just drink more water." Drinking more water, taking a few deep breaths and other simple things can help with small random pains, but it won't make chronic pain go away. Trust me, I have tried it, I am doing it, and I am drinking enough water. It is more complex than you think.

4. "But you don't look sick at all." Welcome to the world of invisible illnesses. I don't need a wheelchair or a permanent tattoo saying 'sick' to be in pain.

5. "But you look so great." This is not a beauty contest. Just because I look good in your opinion, look good today or was able to hide behind some good makeup, it doesn't mean I am not in pain. Just because I can stand and chat today, it doesn't mean I won't be having problems getting out of bed tomorrow.

6. "I am sorry." I don't need your sympathy. I don't need your pity. I need your support. "I am here for you" is a better choice, but only if you mean it. Otherwise, just say nothing.

7. "Don't worry, I am sure things will get better." You can't be sure. Yes, deep inside I am hoping the same. I am fighting and not giving up. But without knowing anything about my condition or knowing anything for certain, please, don't throw such general comment on my way.

8. "Everyone has bad days." Yes, everyone has bad days, gets stressed and gets sick at times. But when you have chronic pain it is not just a bad day. It is a bad day every day. My good days are your worst days.

9. "At least you don't have to go to school/work." I could kill for having a normal pain-free life going to school or to a job. Besides, living with chronic pain and trying my best to heal (or to function) is hard work itself. I should get a Ph.D. for all the knowledge I have on my condition and healing methods.

10. "You should try ________ diet/therapy." There is a good chance that I've heard, considered and/or tried what you are suggesting if it was relevant for me. If I haven't, though I am always open to new ideas and appreciate your help, your excitement of 'finding the holy grail' for my pain puts a lot of pressure on me. I don't want to let you down if it doesn't work out.

11. "You should stop doing _______." See point #9. I have either never done this, have stopped and it didn't help or trying hard to stop (but it is not so easy) what you are suggesting. Or it is simply not relevant for me. Every case and every body is different. Unsolicited and unprofessional advice can do more harm than good too.

12. "You are so strong, I don't know how you do it." I don't have a choice. Often I don't feel so strong. Often I am sick of being strong. I want to be weak. Actually, I want to be healthy. But I don't have a choice but to be strong and keep fighting.

13. "Just don't think about it." Experiencing chronic pain is constant. There are days that are better and days that are worse, but for the most part it is affecting our entire being, mind, body and soul. It is not something that we just stop thinking about, forget, move on and feel better.

Instead of all these unhelpful comments just say:

I believe you. I am here for you. I care about you. I am here to listen. I love you.

Remember, a smile and a hug does more than any words can say. Your love and support is appreciated.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kat-gal/what-to-never-say-to-people-who-suffer-from-chronic-pain_b_7633418.html
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